Relationship OCD treatment
We’ve all grown up with the Hollywood love story, the fairytale of finding our one true, perfect, and magical love, and the romanticization of phrases such as: when you know, you know. While these stories may be enjoyable to watch or read, we may be doing ourselves a disservice to adhere to these plotlines for our own romantic lives and as the foundation for our beliefs on love, as life is far more nuanced and gray than what Hollywood came up with.
Because of all the different influences and experiences like this in our lives, our values on love may be rooted in perfection, rigid standards, and catastrophic thinking at the sign of something “wrong” in a relationship or with a partner. One moment, you might think how your partner is “the one,” but within the next hour, they say something you may find annoying. Now, they are not “the one,” and a “what-if” spiral begins that causes you to doubt your entire relationship, “What if I could be with someone less annoying? What if I don’t like them and that’s why I’m annoyed! We are never going to work out.” Connection suddenly feels fractured, or maybe they even look less attractive to you, and you are quickly trying to recall the last time you “felt” something for your partner as proof they are still the pedestaled one and only.
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD or ROCD is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder where an individual experiences excessive and obsessive doubt, anxiety, and fear surrounding their romantic relationship, partner, or both. Although ROCD typically manifests in romantic relationships, other relationships, i.e., friendships or familial relationships, can experience similar obsessions.
One of life’s most significant, and perhaps more uncomfortable, truths for those who experience ROCD is that there is no way to predict or ensure the success, longevity, or certainty of a relationship or partner and that, inevitably, all relationships experience hardship, doubt, and uncertainty. No relationship is 100% perfect 100% of the time.
For those in a healthy and safe relationship, the acceptance and ability to see nuance in these truths lend themselves to one of the greater distinguishing factors between the natural, almost expected imperfections, uncertainty, and questions that come with being in a relationship compared to these fear-driven relationship, or partner-focused obsessions, anxieties, and doubts.
ROCD, although rooted in the values of ensuring love and safety, OCD likes to take these fundamental values to who we are and instead backfire, as these doubts, fears, and anxieties may be the culprit behind an individual not being able to be fully present in their relationship, maintain connection, and consistently enjoy their partner and relationship when that is truly all they want to do. On top of this, ROCD is challenging not only for the individual but also for their partner, who may experience feelings of being pushed away, may increase their own relational anxieties, and especially may not fully understand what is going on in the mind of their partner with ROCD creating a slew of emotional experiences.
Common Relationship OCD Obsessions
In ROCD with Relationship-Focused obsessions, an individual may experience persistent, unwanted, or distressing thoughts about one’s feelings in a relationship and towards their partner, obsessing over how their partner may feel towards them, the “certainty” of the relationship lasting, or making the “right choice” in a relationship.
In ROCD with Partner-Focused obsessions, an individual may experience persistent, unwanted, or distressing thoughts about their partner’s personality, appearance, interactions with others, behaviors, or any other characteristic that becomes a hyper-focus of ROCD.
It is also entirely possible to experience a co-occurrence of both types of intrusive and distressing thoughts with ROCD that, in turn, trigger more doubts and fear around their relationship or partner.
Relationship OCD and thoughts
As with other OCD subtypes, the distinction lies in the intensity and response to these thoughts; individuals with ROCD may constantly experience this sense of doubt about their partner or their relationship that may feel irrational, uncontrollable, and highly consuming, and respond to these intrusive thoughts with a variety of mental or physical compulsive behaviors such as checking, reassurance seeking, and avoidance.
Some common thoughts and obsessions experienced in ROCD can manifest as mental comparisons, such as: Is there someone better matched for me? Am I compatible enough with my partner? Are they compatible enough for me? Are other couples happier than we are? What if I could do better/am I settling?
Others as fears and questions about the future: Will I fall out of love with them? Will they fall out of love with me? Are they going to cheat on me? Are we going to break up because of ___?
Other partner-specific obsessions include: Am I attracted enough to my partner? Did I find that other person more attractive than my partner? What does that mean? Do other people think my partner is attractive? Are they funny enough? Do they understand me enough?
Common Compulsions in Relationship
In response to the many forms ROCD thoughts and obsessions can take on, individuals respond with compulsions such as reassurance seeking from their partner, friends, family, or even online resources to try to answer these questions.
Other compulsive behaviors might include checking and monitoring feelings of attraction, “love,” happiness, enjoyment, etc., when with your partner or when they’re away, checking to see if you miss them, or monitoring your partner’s feelings and behaviors.
Some additional mental compulsions include comparing your relationship or partner to others, needing things to feel “just right” in your relationship to feel certain or safe, feeling urges to break up with your partner, ruminating on past or future events to try and “figure out” the answer to your obsessive doubts, ruminating on a perceived flaw of your partner or relationship, and engaging in all-or-nothing thinking with the natural ebbs and flows of a healthy relationship, to name a few.
OCD Treatment for relationship OCD
While ROCD may feel extremely time-consuming, never-ending, and like a very unwanted third member of the relationship, it is still a treatable subtype of OCD that uses evidence-based principles of Exposure Response and Prevention (ERP) to help decrease anxiety and distress in a relationship.
Working with a therapist trained in ERP is integral in making a treatment plan tailored to how to best resist compulsive responses to triggering, obsessional ROCD-related exposures specific to an individual. An ERP-trained therapist will help holistically guide this process with the ultimate goal in mind of learning to stop engaging in the compulsive behaviors that are actually strengthening these fears and anxieties and instead learning how to engage with obsessive thinking and uncertainty more productively, allowing anxiety to dissipate.
OCD treatment - including ERP for OCD
Some examples of ERP might include:
Writing a script about breaking up with a partner years down the road and the resulting worst-case-scenario and reading it aloud
Continue spending time with one’s partner despite wanting to avoid feeling triggered by their presence
Learning to resist compulsions in the presence of a triggering behavior or physical characteristic of one’s partner (or viewing a picture of this physical characteristic)
Intentionally recounting thoughts or phrases that are triggering regarding a relationship or partner
Reading stories about couples who get a divorce after years of marriage
San Diego OCD therapists trained in treating Relationship OCD
As an OCD therapist, I often hear from clients how difficult it is to find someone who really understands and has experience treating OCD (ROCD). ROCD is a lesser-known subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and can be even more challenging . If you're struggling to find a therapist who is both knowledgeable and experienced in ROCD, you're not alone. We are here to help. We specialize in OCD and are trained in ERP and are here to help.
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Disclaimer : The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional and or medical advice, diagnosis, and or treatment. It is important to always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a mental health and/or medical condition. Never disregard any professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the Resilience Counseling website. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 or local emergency number immediately.
