What is Relationship OCD ?
by Katherine Pica LCSW
Is my partner right for me? How can I know she is the one I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with? Do I really love my partner? Is my partner good enough for me? I found that other person attractive, maybe I really don't love my partner. Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?
What does Relationship OCD Mean?
Sometimes called ROCD. ROCD is a type or subtype of OCD where one's obsessions and compulsions focus on their relationship or their partner. There can be frequent doubts about the relationship or frequent doubts about their partner. These doubts are often taken at face value as evidence that their relationship is not perfect or flawed in some way.
ROCD can lead to doubting their partner and their compatibility. This leads to thoughts like “ do I truly love them.” “Am I really happy in this relationship?” While these thoughts in a relationship are normal, someone with R-OCD will find these thoughts very difficult to let go of and become compulsive and start to interfere.
What is OCD?
Obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD is a mental health issue that involves obsessional thoughts, and rituals or compulsions. Obsessions are the thought or image that pops up and then compulsions are done to make anxiety distress or disgust feel better in the moment. OCD is more common than you think. Many struggle with OCD, but only about one third of these seek help. There are many forms that OCD takes other than the more well known ones. OCD can affect the way you think and overthink about your relationship.
Relationship OCD Symptoms
Asking for reassurance about the relationship from friend or family
Comparing and reviewing current partner to past relationships
Mental reviewing the relationship
Monitoring and checking feelings of doubt
Looking for feelings of arousal
Questioning feelings of love
Constantly thing about about relationship alternatives
Confessing doubt to partner
Comparing or replaying other’s relationships
Avoiding others that may have that “perfect” relationship
Looking online to find evidence or information that you could be in the wrong relationship
Avoiding things or situations that could trigger the obsessions ( like talking to an attractive person alone, having sex, future planning ect.)
Getting reassurance from your partner
Is this Relationship OCD or the wrong relationship?
While doubt is normal in a relationship, In relationship OCD thoughts become constant worries and cause a lot of distress and anxiety. When struggling with ROCD it can feel very difficult to think about anything else. ROCD can feel very out of control and very difficult to think about other things.
As an OCD therapist I am working with my clients to recognize that we will all have doubts in relationships. Most importantly, those intense feelings at the beginning of a relationship will fade. Then we are faced with the reality of our relationship and relationships do take work. We are humans and we ALL have flaws. That struggle is challenging when you put tow impert people together there will be difficulties that come up. The problem is that OCD will seize upon that struggle.
What we see on TV or movies about “true love” is really not what actually relationships look like. We will get annoyed with our partner. We will notice other attractive people. For someone who is struggling with ROCD these thoughts are not allowed. These thoughts are seen as signs that they truly are in the wrong relationship. OCD takes normal thoughts that we ALL have and finds meaning to them. OCD takes the normal thought and then it turns into a compulsion like overthinking and rumination. Treatment for ROCD helps to build skills to to handle those unwanted thoughts.
Types of relationship OCD
There are two types of Relationship OCD. The first one is relationship focused OCD. this focuses on the actual relationship. “Are we a good fit?, Are we meant for eachother?” The second type is partner focused OCD. This focuses on the qualities and traits of their partner and constantly evaluates their partners qualities, physical appearance, personality attributes, emotional stability, social abilities. “Is he smart enough?, Her teeth are crooked, he is too introverted, ect. Relationship OCD can take one one or both of these forms.
Examples of relationship OCD
Relationship Focused OCD
Maya has been with her partner for over 3 years. They currently live together and get along well. Maya describes her partner as some who she deep down knows she wants to marry. However recently Maya has started questioning their relationship. “Maybe I am not happy.” I find another man attractive, so maybe my partner is not right for me?” Maya is looking at other men and checking to see if she is attracted to them.
Maya is constantly calling her mother to seek reassurance that her relationship is good. She is constantly looking at online posts and blogs about relationships. This has begun to affect her job and she is having difficulty focusing. When she is with her partner she is often thinking and worrying which is also affecting the relationship.
Partner focused OCD
Ted has been partnered with his girlfriend for 2 years. They have been talking recently about getting married. Ted has started to wonder if his girlfriend is really good enough. WHile yes this is a big decision Ted says deep down I know I want to marry her…but “Does she possess all the qualities I need in a partner? Is she smart enough for me ? DOes she have all the skills to be the perfect partner?” Although deep down Ted knows that he really loves and wants to be with his partner, he often gets angry and upset that he has made such a bad decision dating her. He gets irritated that he wasted all this time.
Treatment for relationship OCD
The most evidenced based form of treatment for OCD is Exposure and response prevention ERP. ERP therapy was created for treating individuals who struggle with OCD. ERP therapy helps clients learn to lean into and accept anxiety rather than avoid it.
When working with ERP therapy the brain starts to learn that the fear is not likely to occur, and even if it does you are able to handle it. OCD treatment with ERP can sound challenging and scary , but we work together and start to take smalls steps towards healing. Exposure and Response Prevention can be a pivotal moment for OCD treatment and healing. The techniques learned in ERP therapy can alter the grip that OCD has on your life.
How to get help for Relationship OCD in San Diego
If you think you are struggling with ROCD the first step is to reach out to an OCD therapist to get help. We offer in person OCD therapy sessions in San Diego and online therapy to clients in California. We specialize in treating OCD and ROCD and am trained in Exposure and Response Prevention, ERP. We have helped many clients overcome the grip of OCD and can help you too. Contact us today to set up a free 15 minute phone call. Let's chat!
