What Not to Say to Someone With OCD
When someone you know has OCD, it can be hard to find the right words to help them. Things you say might not land the right way; you struggle to figure out what you’re doing wrong. Though you have the best of intentions, your words might create distance between you and your loved one. Let’s look at some things to avoid:
Avoid Using Stereotypes
You may have heard stereotypes about OCD in the media or from peers. Often, these can come from a lack of education on what the disorder is really like.
For example:
“You must be so neat and organized.”
“I wish I had OCD, my house would be clean.”
“Why don’t you just stop thinking about that?”
“Your OCD must be helping you perform well at school.”
“I’m a little OCD too.”
“I’m SO OCD- i like things neat.”
Phrases such as these can be discouraging. They shrink someone’s experience to fit a label that isn’t always correct. Though some people with OCD have rituals around cleanliness or organization, it is not the same for everyone. OCD might surround their religion, relationship, job, or anything in between.
Asking someone to stop thinking about their obsession can be frustrating to hear. Their thoughts are intrusive, meaning they happen against their will. Without the right tools, someone might feel caught up in thought more often. Assuming they have control over this would be incorrect; obsessions can come up automatically.
Commenting on how OCD helps someone is often unhelpful. While the stereotype is that people are more orderly or structured when they have OCD, this does not apply to everyone. Most times, it can be the opposite: spending time on compulsions can create less structure. This may make them fall behind in school or work.
Using a phrase like “I am so OCD” does not mean the same thing as having the disorder. While you might be using it to relate to someone, it sends the message that you don’t understand their experience. OCD is not meant to be used as an adjective.
How can I support my loved one’s OCD?
Reassurance can happen when you answer a question asked by someone with OCD. They might be seeking a certain response from you that will ease anxiety. Their questions could sound like: “Are you sure the doors are locked?” or “Do you think my friend is mad at me?” You may often reply by confirming that you locked the door or saying “no, I don’t think they are mad because of …”.
As tempting as it is to give them the answer they want, it will make OCD worse in the long-run. Even if you provide reassurance once, it might not be enough. They may continue to ask similar questions until it feels right. It can be tiring to figure out the answer that they need, keeping both of you engaged in the cycle.
The SPACE model, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Child Emotions, can be a helpful treatment method for parents of children with OCD. It can give you tools to speak to your child from a place of support and empathy while not reassuring them. This might sound like, “I know this is really hard, but you can do this. We can get through this together”.
Instead of reassuring your loved one, a helpful response could be politely reminding them that their question sounds related to OCD. You might also respond with phrases like, “maybe, maybe not,” or “I’m not sure right now.” Of course, it is important to figure out with their therapist which way of responding works best. It is also important to know that not all of their questions are OCD-related. Figuring out better ways to communicate with each other can help you both understand which questions are used to seek reassurance and which ones are not.
Resist Coming up With Exposures for Them
Oftentimes, an exposure can seem easier to do than it does for your loved one. You might feel the urge to move their treatment along by suggesting certain exposures. However, this can be unhelpful. The exposure you suggest might be more challenging than what they are ready for.
If they are in therapy, their treatment plan is created between themselves and their therapist. Your loved one is in charge of the exposures they need to do and completing them regularly. Telling them to do something outside of their plan might cause added fear and anxiety.
You can suggest things they could work on in the future, just don’t put pressure on them to do the exposure right away. You can also give them reminders to work on current exposures. Make sure your role is their supporter, not crossing over into being their therapist.
Remember, it’s Not Their Fault they have OCD
In the moments when someone is struggling, your frustration might get the best of you. It is common to feel big emotions when your actions don’t seem to be helpful. Even so, certain phrases can be triggering to someone with OCD.
Avoid telling them that what they are going through is their fault. OCD often develops out of moments that feel out of control or scary. It might have been their brain’s way of adapting to the situation. Or maybe they have had the disorder since they were very young and had no control over how it began. Having a disorder like this is nobody’s fault. It is not worth placing blame on anyone.
Emotions like guilt and shame can exist more frequently in those with OCD. They might feel guilty about having certain thoughts or engaging in their compulsive behaviors. This can also turn into feeling ashamed of who they are as a person. When they feel like this internally, hearing negative feedback from others can make their OCD feel worse.
Avoid Using Comparison for OCD
You might have an image of what your loved one was like before OCD began. Or, as you see their peers hitting milestones in life, you wonder if they will be able to achieve them too. This is understandable. Your loved one is probably feeling this pressure as well. However, the pressure might increase when they hear things like:
“Why can’t you be like your sibling?”
“All of your friends are able to do this, why can’t you?”
“I miss the way that you used to be.”
Words like these can make someone feel different and isolated, which can make OCD worse over time. Instead of motivating them to see who they could be, it highlights who they are not. They might see that a better approach could be reminding them of their strengths. Help them see what they are capable of because they might not see it in themselves. There is no need to compare them to those who aren’t walking the same path.
Encourage your loved one to get OCD treatment
As your loved one is handling the difficulty of OCD, your support and understanding is crucial. While you might not understand everything, you can learn to use words that are helpful and avoid ones that are not. You can not fix their OCD for them, and OCD will not go away on its own. Encourage them to get help from an OCD therapist.
Ask them how they best feel supported and listen to their individual needs. Notice how your words or tone of voice impact them. There might be times when you say the wrong thing and have a difficult interaction. The important piece is to have awareness and find a better response next time. Showing up for your loved one and letting them know that you care can make them feel less alone.
OCD Therapy in San Diego, CA
At Resilience Counseling, we offer OCD therapy to children, teens, adults and families. Our team of OCD therapists uses evidence-based treatment methods to help them regain control of their lives. Whether you are trying to find support for your loved one or figuring out how to support them yourself, you don’t have to do it alone. Among our treatment specialties, we use the SPACE model to guide parents in better supporting their child. Our compassionate team of therapists are here to walk alongside you on this journey. There is so much hope in getting better. Book a free consultation today.
Katherine Pica OCD Therapist - San Diego, CA
Katherine Pica is the Founder and Clinical Director of Resilience Counseling and has been practicing since 2007. With more than 19 years of clinical experience, she provides supervision and training to all the OCD therapists on staff.
Katherine brings deep experience in treating OCD to both her clients and the clinicians she mentors. She is a San Diego committee member of OCD SoCal - an affiliate of the IOCDF and is actively involved in increasing community support and awareness.
OCD & Trauma Therapy
San Diego, CA
The information shared on this website is intended for general educational purposes and does not replace professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek guidance from a qualified healthcare provider regarding any medical or mental health concerns. Do not postpone or avoid professional care based on information found here. If you believe you are experiencing a medical emergency, contact your doctor, call 911, or reach out to your local emergency number immediately.
